DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

Earl Campbell?  Really?

When Earl chose Houston to call his home, he knew no one man could do it alone.

That, if you don’t know, is a lyric from “Big Bad Earl” by Tom Cantrell.  But if you are an average BE-SF fan or a complete dumbass like August West, aka cumsucker, you wouldn’t know that, would you?  And why would you not know that?

Because Earl Campbell never played a game in that back-assed state.  That’s why.  How is this concept even remotely confusing?

Sure, we can blame the makers of the poll for this error the same way we can blame your 6th grade English teacher because you still think it’s spelled “kat,” but that misses the point, doesn’t it?  You morons simply don’t understand that the Oilers aren’t your team.  It never was, and it never will be.

And contrary to Tom’s argument, there is plenty of justification to be pissed.  Bud Adams did his best to alienate the city of Houston at every opportunity.  That fucker’s only interest is self-interest, and he hated that Bum Phillips and Earl Campbell and the waiter at Los Tios were far more popular than he was.  For that prick, the goal was never to win, but to make as many shiny dimes as possible.  As far as I’m concerned, Bud Adams is a perfect fit for you people: you can have him, but you cannot have the Oilers.

After all, how many of you actually cheered for the team?  How many of you invested every NFL Sunday rooting for them?  And how many of you actually *WATCHED EARL CAMPBELL PLAY?*  None?  Or is it less?

I will end with, fuck you to all who voted for somebody other than Steve McNair or Eddie George.  To those who did vote for those guys?  Thank you for actually paying attention.

Again, I say to anybody who rooted for the Oilers while they were in Houston and followed that “loyalty” to TN: you are a fucking idiot of epic, titanic proportions.

Yours in Durga,

bfd

* Excludes Tman and NTT, both of whom I actually like and enjoy reading what they have to say, even if I disagree.

(Many of these links are courtesy of Eric.  I leave it to you to figure out which ones.)

Variations on a theme.  There’s comedy, there’s high comedy, there’s transcendent comedy, and then there’s a thread BE-SF fans trying to decide if Vince Young might just not be quite as good as they think.  My favorite line from the thread: “Anybody that has the chance to have Young close at practices…please tell him that is time to wake up from the Lhorns dreamy land goal got…and get this working as soon as possible… ” I’m not totally sure what that means, but I’m pretty sure it’s not good.

Yikes.  Keith Weiland with a grim reminder of our failings in signing free agents.  There’s not much to say other than “GUH.”

David Anderson.  ‘Nuff said.

This is good news. Remember back right after Manning had the bursa sack removed when his supporters (douchebags, the lot of ‘em) were laughing about the rest of us speculating that Manning might miss regular season games?  “Morons!  Scaredy bitches!  Of course he will be back!  He’ll be ready to kick your ass Week 1!”  Well, it seems like things aren’t quite so certain at this point.  He “hopes” to be ready.  They think he’s on schedule.  There is talk that he might practice next week…or maybe not…who knows?  My own guess: He misses week 1, then struggles to shake some rust off in weeks 2-4.  And then we beat the Colts.  There, I said it.

So, I was looking through the referrals to this fine blog (something I do frequently at work, mainly because I am bored but also because I am paranoid), when I noticed someone had arrived via a Google search for “Will Demps dick.”

Okaaaayyyyyyyyy…

Well, I followed said link, just to see where we ranked in that search.  Go ahead…guess.  Nailed it, didn’t you?

In a move that is likely to make stacy’s head explode, BE-SF fans voted Earl Campbell their greatest player ever.

Now, say what you will about how they kept the Oilers name/records/etc. Once you CHANGE NAMES in a NEW STATE, all bets are off as far as holding on to the past. You can keep the Oilers as part of your franchise timeline, but you CANNOT lump Earl in as the greatest Titan ever…BECAUSE HE WAS NEVER A TITAN. To claim otherwise makes you an absolute fuckrag. No one likes a fuckrag, man.

To those who will say “but it was for the greatest Oiler/Titan ever,” I call bullshit.  The team (or, more accurately, it’s sodomite owner) wanted out of Houston.  Fine.  And, honestly, had they remained the Oilers this whole time, even the choosing of Earl Campbell would be justified, if slightly dirty.  But they didn’t.  They shitcanned the city of Houston, then punted the team name a short time later—basically, they started fresh without having to waste years as an expansion team. And, in doing so, they offended 95% of the Oilers fanbase.

Was Earl Campbell the greatest Oiler ever?  Of course.  Was he the greatest player ever owned by Bud Adams?  Of course.  Did he have a single goddamned thing to do with the state of Tennessee or the Titans?  Nope.  And I bet he’s happy about that.

Besides, to hear some of you BE-SF fans tell it, shouldn’t Vince Young have won this vote hands down?

With a h/t to TPL, the hometown heroes signed Marcel Shipp.  Even if being slightly forgiving that he was with the Cards throughout his career, Shipp’s 3.6 YPC is simply sucky.

Pancakes seems to believe that the signing spells the end for Ahman “Football to the Groin” Green on the team.  Due $4.5MM for the year no matter what we do, I don’t think it’ll happen…yet.  But unless Green actually takes the damn field at some point, Pancakes *gulp* might be right.

So where does this leave us?  Our running game has looked pretty awful in the preseason.  The team asked Chris Taylor to bulk up, which he did, and then he didn’t do much rushing the ball and now he is hurt.  Darius Walker didn’t get a single rush last week, so it seems Smithiak doesn’t consider him an answer.  Chris Brown looked pretty decent, but he’s no more physically reliable than is Green.

So, is the only reliable RB we have on the roster an unproven rookie in Steve Slaton?  And is Slaton a 300 carries kinda guy?  Makes you wonder what Ron “Three Pies and a Cloud of Meringue” Dayne is up to these days, doesn’t it?*

It’s not time to panic yet, and I don’t think our offensive line has even thrown a single cut-block so far, but I am starting to feel a bit antsy.

What do y’all think?

* My guess?  450.

Edit: Got some awesome feedback from Keith, who deserves my most empahtic leg hugs for his help, and you can see it here.  In addition, I had a follow-up question for him:

Handsome, virile, and manly bfd: I can’t find the precise terms of the contract, but I thought the first two years of it were guaranteed?  There is some amount of money that is, I believe.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2787723

Does that change the June 1 cut amount?

Response from Keith:

So, media reports are often incorrect or misleading, mostly because it involves agents talking to journalists. ‘nuf said.

The guaranteed money mentioned by Pastabelly is not mentioned in the documentation I have from the NFLPA, so I consider the report erroneous. Technically, Green’s $5 million signing bonus is guaranteed. I imagine the agent told ESPN that the workout and roster bonuses were pretty much guaranteed (for a total of $2.1 million if he played out the contract) to give Lenny the impression that “$6 million-$7 million” is guaranteed.

So there we have it.  Thanks, Keith!

Come along and ride… Fantasy Football is here.  By my last count, the people on board were: Me, Lee, grungedave, socctty, DisplaceTexan, Dan B., DeMecoShall…, Jordan, and abumnamedPaul.  That’s 9.  Both bigwood25 and bfd have thrown their names in as “if you need me” players.  Max number of teams in this is 12 and the draft is tentatively set for this Saturday afternoon.  Send me an email and I’ll send you the appropriate info.  Feel free to bitch about the settings in the comments.

Gary Kubiak is making the NFL preseason his bitch. So says Keith Weiland.  I have no reason to disagree, either.  Very solid write-up. And “Kung Fu Panda” as a nickname for Duane Brown is gold.

Super Steve.  According to Kubes, “The Rookie We All Not-So-Secretly Hope Will Be Our Starter” is going to, well, be our starter this week. Or, more accurately, going to “get reps with the first group.”  Nice.  (this link and the one before it courtesy of Eric)

Finally. I hate Peter King.  You hate Peter King.  But this Peter King quote is too good to skip: “You can’t tell me the Titans are looking at Vince Young’s game against Oakland — he completed one of his last 10 throws — without getting a little nervous.”  Could it be?  Really?  The national media is starting to turn on Radio?!?

{Busy fam day today, so I won’t be around too much, but I wanted to throw this out there}

Your Houston Texans will finish with as many or more wins than the Dallas Cowfuckers.

This is because:

1. 1. Dallas has absolutely no depth outside of CB.
2. 2. Reversion to the mean on offense, specifically, Jessica Simpson’s wife.
3. 3. Pacman and Terrell are going to make Steve Smith and Ken Lucas look like longtime lovers.
4. 4. Jerry Jones is the 2nd worst owner in football history.

Discuss.

Note: Matt and I were honored to anonymously receive a box of Richard Justice’s old writings.  Many of them were written in pink or purple crayon and thus difficult to read, but we did the best we could.  Here is the first installment.  Special note: All “i”s were dotted with a smiley face.

by Little Dickie Justice, age 14, Memorial HS, 1974

Dear Diary,

Ohmygod!  He finally said “Hello” to me today, diary!  His name his Dylan Wayne Whitman, and he’s absolutely dreamy!  Somebody said he graduated like 4 years ago, but he’s here when I get here in the morning and he’s here when I leave in the afternoon.  Oh diary, it must be because I’m here!

And he does things that make other men cry.  People always seem to be thanking him after he gives them a plastic bag full of white powder, and others bow their heads in obvious deferment to his greatness, too scared and awed to even speak to him.  Everybody admires him and his really cool band t-shirts.  And he’s got the fastest car in the neighborhood.  He is greatness.

Oh diary!, his greatness is so great, it makes me proud to just be around him!  I feel like I can do more, and especially more for him, if you know what I mean diary.  Every day I get home and I practice on a banana for when he’s ready for me.  He just makes me feel so good about myself!

Diary, it’s my gift to you that I will document all of my adventures with him.  It’s the least I can do.  But, for now my sweet, diary, mommy bought me those new batteries, so I’m off to prepare for sweet, great, Texan Dylan.

XOXOXOXOXOX,

Dickie

Oh, yes…it’s back for another year.

vs. Oakland: 4-13, 37 yards.  0 TD.  0 INT.  Sacked once.

But at least he rushed for four yards!

Just for fun, some quotes about Zoolander from Giants camp. (h/t Rendhel)

QB coach Chris Palmer had a few interesting thoughts on QB David Carr today:
*On his happy feet: “He’s a talented young man, he’s very athletic, he runs very well, he has a strong arm. But he’s just got to settle down in the pocket.”

Translation: He looks like a QB, but he’s dancing around and getting all skittish even in camp, where he should know he can’t get hit. The fuck is wrong with this dude? Christ, why me? I thought I’d escaped this sonofafuck already. Why does God hate me? Why?!?

*On his mind: “Like a lot of young guys, they lose their confidence and how fast can you come back from that? I think he’s starting to have a little success, he’s starting to understand what Tom wants from the quarterback position. If we can keep him in rhythm, keep him balances and not in a hurry to flush from the pocket, he’ll be fine.”

Translation: He’s one of those weak-willed douchebags we used to kick the shit out of in high school. At least he didn’t curl up and die like a botched D-and-C today; that’s success, right? Maybe we can get him to do a regular five-step drop tomorrow and, if I am really lucky, he’ll actually stand in and deliver a throw instead of running away, screaming.  Yep…that’d be awesome.  At least that’s what I will tell myself as I lie awake in bed tonight. Why did we cut Jared Lorenzen again? [weeps]

*On his low arm angle, which has been an issue since he was drafted: “It’s a little bit lower than it was (when Palmer was the Texans’ offensive coordinator). We talk about that all the time. He’s got a very quick release, he’s got a strong arm. He’s getting in a stage in his life when he’s going to start hurting his elbow or start hurting his shoulder if he doesn’t become more mechanically sound. But he’s got pretty good whip as far as throwing the ball. He’s got such a strong arm, he has so much torque in his body that he gets it out there, but at some point that torque is going to tighten up on him and he’s going to have trouble with his shoulder and his elbow.”

Translation: Wait…what the fuck?!? This guy couldn’t quarterback a pop warner team and you are asking me about his goddamned arm angle?!? Jesus Christ, that’s like standing at Auschwitz and asking about Hitler’s mustache. There are much bigger problems than his fucking motion. [contemplates suicide]

*On why he started dropping his arm: “Because you get away from your mechanics. If you’re a golfer, why do you hit a ball on the driving range and then go out on the course and it doesn’t do the same thing? You just have to continue to work on it, you have to put things in front of him and make him throw over. You can do those things to get him back in stride.”

Translation: I am this close to killing everyone in this room.  I shit you not.  I will murder each and every one of you.  “Dropping arm.”  The fucking nerve you have.  I AM AN NFL COACH; I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS!!!

Back in this post, I mentioned that we are always willing and happy to run well-written posts from our readers.  This is one of those posts.  (Also, I expand that offer to include fans of other teams that would like to offer a well-reasoned reponse to things they’ve read here about their favorite teams.)

Here’s the next guest post:

A Reasoned Rebuttal To A Richard Justice Article That Doesn’t Deserve A Link
by: Vega

You sense you are in the presence of greatness the moment he enters a room. Adults and children are in awe. Teammates love him, opponents respect him. There will never be another one like him.

Joe Montana - worthless. Jerry Rice – NFL slut. Dan Marino – what did he ever fucking accomplish? Walter Payton – he couldn’t even avoid death.

Vince Young did things on a football field that made grown men cry.

Similarly, Richard Justice has done things in journalism that make me cry.

He brought happiness to millions, made their boring lives worth living.

Damn it. If only I lived in Texas and was a Longhorn fan, my life wouldn’t suck.

He wore orange, but Tech fans, Aggie fans, UH fans, all fans rooted for him as if he was their own. Such was his greatness.

Wait a second, you mean EVERYONE loved him?! Friend and foe alike?! Well then why do I hate him now that he’s a BE-SF? Also, why… hold on, is he dead? Is this a eugogoly?

He made an entire state—and probably an entire nation—feel good about itself. All Vince Young has been to Texans is everything.

That fucker just called me an “it”.

That’s why nothing that happens this year in sports will be as emotionally powerful as what The University of Texas has planned for August 30. That’s when Vince Young’s jersey No. 10 will be retired by the Longhorns.

Michael Phelps would agree. When Tiger won the US Open on a broken leg, his first thoughts were of Vince Young. Eli Manning wore #10 in the Superbowl in honor of Young.

I’m probably like a lot of you in that when I’m feeling down or have had a bad day at work I put in the DVD of that Rose Bowl. No matter how many times I watch it, I’m still inspired by it, moved by it.

And sometimes, when I’m alone, I’ll grab a bottle of baby oil and a wooden spoon and spank my own ass.

It makes me want to work harder, to accomplish more. It makes me want to make Vince proud.

Usually, I’ll do a double of tequila and rub my own boob and I know that somewhere, Vince Young is smiling.

Whenever I’m in Austin, I drop by to see The Trophy, to feel its power, to remember that incredible evening.

Reading comprehension question: What is Richard Justice referring to when he speaks of “The Trophy”, “its power”, and “that incredible evening”?

a. The BCS Trophy, what it represents, and the 2006 Rose Bowl

b. His Pulitzer Prize, his extensive influence, that night he learned to fly.

c. His Vince Young Real Doll, sweaty man love, and his evening routine

d. Other. Please elaborate.

I never expect to have another one like it as long as I’m on this earth.

I wonder what your wife thinks about this.

I’ll be there for the ceremony. If you can’t be there, I’ll be there for you. I’ll capture the moment for you. I will write something that tugs at your heart and reflects Vince’s greatness. That is my gift.

Gee, thanks Dick, but I’m allergic to literary semen. How about if I just hammer an ice pick through my testicles and we call it square?

Texas isn’t like other places. Texas only honors a few of its own. Texas isn’t like other schools. Greatness is routine at Texas.

I’d like to step aside for a moment and congratulate BFD and all the other Longhorns on this site for being great. Super job, guys!

To have your jersey retired by The University of Texas, you have to be special.

He definitely is “special”.

Vince will join Tommy Nobis (60), Bobby Layne (22), Earl Campbell (20) and Ricky Williams (34) as the only Longhorns to have their numbers retired.

So according to the previous statement, Ricky Williams is pretty great and special too, huh. Among his accomplishments he lists setting the NCAA career rushing record (later broken by Ron Dayne), quitting the NFL so he could smoke more weed, not being able to get through a CFL season, and that night he ate 15 bags of Doritos.

The University of Texas is a special place. Whether you graduated from Texas, as I did, or you have visited the campus, you understand its power, its beauty and its grace. It’s a place of ideas, a place of thought, a place where people learn to be the best they can be.

It’s one of a kind too. Harvard, MIT, Princeton – amateurs.

So Texas will honor one of its best. He’s a magical man in that he’s beloved, not just by the University of Texas, but by millions of others. He’s admired for his football accomplishments, but also for his charitable heart and his dignity.

Yup, dignity. Lots of dignity.

”I’m really looking forward to getting back to Austin again, seeing everyone, reaching out to the community with my foundation event and cheering on my team,” Vince said. ”I was speechless when they told me about the jersey retirement earlier this summer, and I still don’t think it’s sunk in. It’s such a great honor to be remembered in such a special way. Man, when I see that number and my name on the stadium. I don’t know what I’m going to do. It’s just going to be such an unbelievable feeling for me and my family.”

Quick, raise your hand if you think that Vince Young knows the name of his foundation.

No, Vince, the honor is all ours. You allowed us to watch you play.

It’s a good thing you did too. Every year before college football starts, I stress over which players are going to allow me to watch.

”When you think about Vince, all he’s done for The University, our football program and the community, it’s going to be a really special day for all of us and a great opportunity to say thank you,” Mack Brown said. ”Thank you for what he does as a football player, how he represents our football program, athletic department and university, for sending such a great message about education by coming back to finish up school, but most importantly, for always giving back. Vince is a terrific football player but an even more special young man.”

Is it me, or is there an excessive amount of “special”-ness going on?

We’re Texas.

I thought we were Marshall?

What starts here changes the world.

We’re still talking about football right? Football that happened two and a half years ago?

Has Vince Young found a cure for cancer that I’m not aware of? Did he bring peace to the Middle East and I just missed the news conference? He’s a fucking football player!!

I’ve been clear in my comments here that I have no affiliation to UT and am completely impartial to what the team does in sports. That said, I don’t speak about my own mother this way. I don’t talk like this to my fiancee. She’d probably cancel the wedding if I did. I would love to hear from the UT crowd. Do you all feel the same?

From reader and occasional guest-poster, Will “The Thrill”:

Here’s a point that hasn’t been brought up anywhere yet, and I think it’s the biggest problem facing the Texans.

We have to avoid, at all costs, getting into the “funk” we got into many of the games last year.  Not playing physical.  Not hitting people in the jaw.  Jags play physical and so do the Titans.

I remember being so mad during the second Titans game I left the sports bar at the half and watched the rest of the game from the house.  It wasn’t necessarily talent, it was just playing on their heels.

It’s a mental aspect, an intangible.  Is it coaching, or is it scheme?  It’s contagious, whatever it is.  At times it looked like the team wanted to curl up in a fetal position and find a happy place rather than hit someone in the mouth.  We need more “mean streaks” like you see in O-Line scouting reports.  BTW, is that the same as saying a girl is “sweet,” meaning their technique isn’t the best, but they’re mean?  She’s kinda fat, but she’ll still fuck.  [Awesome. --Ed.]

The strange thing is someone finally steps up, and then it’s like the team gets a Popeye can of spinach, and then everyone’s back in the game.  My favorite Maddenism is so true, “90% of the game is half mental.”  I forget what the spark was to the Titans comeback, but a big part of it could support the next argument.

We came back on the Titans when they started playing back on their heels on defense.  I firmly believe non aggression on defense can lead to playing on your heels.  Whether or not this is THE issue, it’s a major issue, as we’ve cited numerous times last year.

Maybe it’s coaching, and guys like Alex Gibbs and Ray Rhoades will keep a fire lit under people’s ass.

Speaking of Rhoades, when will some of the local media quit copying each other’s stories and look at Rhoades some more?  The Alex Gibbs deal has been re-run to death.  Give us some damn ax-cess!

You know, I hadn’t even thought about it because the season ended on such a high note, but Will is exactly right–there were times last year when it looked like the Texans were scared.  The Chargers game comes to mind [Side note: Fuck you, Drayton Florence] as one where they never snapped out of the “funk.”

I have two theories as to why this is, at least on our defensive side of the ball.  First, Richard Smith is mildly retarded and has no idea how to play aggressive defense and get the most out of what he has.  Unfortunately, he is still here.  Fortunately, Ray Rhodes is lurking and might give him a pointer or ninety.

Second, the Texans are a young team.  I haven’t looked at the numbers to back this up, but it’s my guess that young teams are more prone to getting overwhelmed early in a game and then being on their heels the rest of the day.  Of course, it’s that same youth that comes out fearless when they get some early breaks.

What say the rest of ye?

Making the leap? Paul Kuharsky has five questions with Amobi Okoye.  In them we learn that Amobi wants to make a leap similar to the one Mario made last year.  Also, Amobi and LeBron are friends and “obviously, we talked like people of the same age talk.”  Fo’ realz. (h/t Eric)

Consistent.  How does Mike Florio manage to say something retarded every time he writes about the Texans?  You’d think that once he’d get through a whole article without looking like a fool.  Not this time, though.

Guh.  Titans fan with a preview of the Texans.  Don’t you love how someone can spend the majority of the analysis talking about a large amount of talent on both sides of the ball, then conclude with a dismissive “I see another last place finish” for the Texans?  That’s fun.

Finally.  Programming notes:  I hope to set up the Fantasy Football league this weekend and have the information up come Sunday or Monday.  I’ll recap the people who’ve said yes when I post the info.  Also, at some point this weekend, I hope to have a fairly detailed post about why the Jags are going to stumble this year.

To no one’s surprise, Reggie Bush has begged out of Saturday’s game against the Texans due to an, ahem, “knee injury.”

Coach Sean Payton said that “Poor Reggie has been crying during walkthroughs all week.  We had to assign Richard Justice to follow him and clean his accidental piddles.  We believe it best for all parties that he sit out this week’s games.  The little fellow just can’t face Mario again.”*

Bush is expected to be healthy for the third preseason game and contribute his stellar 1.9 YPC to the offense.

* May or may not be true

With the exception of frequent commenter NewsToTom, Tennessee Titans fans are the most myopic, delusional, irrational demographic in sports.  To hear them tell it, the Titans will win at least 25 games this year, Vince will throw for 5000 yards and run for 2000, and the defense might actually force teams into negative points.

Kids, meth kills.

The Texans and Saints had a little rumble, according to this Saints-centric video.

Don’t bother going to the Chron for any info, so no word on who was rumbling for the Texans.  Jahri Evans took on somebody on our D.  Mario?  Okoye?  Colvin?

I’m back from my mini-vacation, where it was pretty much focused on my wife and kids beating the crap out of me for five days.  I’m actually sore today.  Oh well, I guess that’s what happens when you get old and decrepit…not to mention senile.  Oh well.

So let’s talk about sewing!

Oops.

Saturday: Preseason game #2 is at the Sodom and Gomorrah of the Mississip’ in a re-match of a The Biggest Bust in the History of the Universe and Everything against Hall of Famer Reggie Bush.  If you remember last year’s game, Bush literally wet himself on the field at our goal-line and didn’t see much action in the second half as he couldn’t get comfortable in his Depends.  The game also led to this awesome back and forth between Pancakes and I, which, not surprisingly, was my breaking point with the Chron staff en masse.  To this day, I still don’t believe he was watching the same game.

Once again, I hope, I’ll be live-blogging the game at BRB along with whichever unindicted felons decide to show up.

We practice with urgency!: According to a NO TV station.  h/t Eric

Nice ups: Antwaun Molden

Finally: What’s the over/under for number of plays Chris Brown survives before he goes all Ahman Green?  I’ve got 3.

Edit: Pic of Molden via Brett Coomer of the Chron.

Overexposure Redux.  I have another article up (and in print) for the Houston Banner.  Nothing groundbreaking, but I’ll be damned if I am going to miss a chance to link to myself.  You all should know that by now.

Where’s Winston?  Total Titans has the All-AFC South team up.  I agree with most of it, though I think Bennett should be in the mix and there is no way in hell you leave Eric Winston off of it.  Also, only slightly related, Dallas Clark is overrated.  There, I said it.

Awesome.  Andre Johnson is back working out with the team for the first time since the groin pull.  This is good news.

Finally. Caption away, peoples!

This might be the most gay sexually challenged post in the history of this blog, right after Matt’s unpublished mash note to Mittens, but, you know, fuck it.  Yesterday was my 13th wedding anniversary with my wife (obviously, please send prayers/alcohol/prozac her way), so I’m feeling a little mushy.  And gassy, natch.  Here are the questions, and here are my responses.  If you’re feeling equally dumb, play along!

If I were not a football player, I would be:

When I’m not at work, I’m most often:

Favorite all-time song:

Favorite non-football sports moment:

Favorite cartoon as a kid:

What actor would play you in a movie about your life?

Favorite guity pleasure:

Special talents:

Ideal SportsCenter highlight:

Oh yeah, this is a bad idea, so here I go!!!!!

f I were not a football player, I would be:

A baseball player.

When I’m not at work, I’m most often:

Begging my wife for sex.

Favorite all-time song:

Brent Best’s (of Slobberbone and The Drams) rendition of Cortez the Killer with The Gourds, back when when The Gourds was publishing their live stuff.

Favorite non-football sports moment:

Any time J.R. Richard pitched.  I know it was a kid-crush, but he absolutely dominated in his prime.  In person, he was a gentle giant.  He’s one of baseball’s greatest failures yet best successes all at once.

Favorite cartoon as a kid:

Even as a kid, I knew they all sucked.  Probably The Jetsons.

What actor would play you in a movie about your life?

Some pasty-faced Fat Albert.

Favorite guity pleasure:

Southern cooking.  All of it.  I mean, fried chicken, greens, wings, cajun, creamed anything, you name it.  And especially BBQ.  When it comes to Southern food, I am a stereotype.

Special talents:

Masturbating.  I *have* been married for 13 years, donchaknow.

Ideal SportsCenter highlight:

I was kinda shocked at the player answers.  I was honored to watch VY win a Championship for the Horns, and I still cared about the Rockets in the Akeem days.  But of everything, my beloved Oilers never won the big one, and I want the Texans to make that highlight come true.  The day Mario is holding the Lombardi Trophy is the day that highlight comes true.